Does Forgiving Mean Hurting Me Was OK?

msnilda — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 14:00:54 +0000

Forgiveness is one of those subjects that create a lot of emotion. Some believe that it is important to hold on to bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness because not doing so makes an individual vulnerable to more hurt. Others believe that it is imperative to forgive because it brings inner-healing. Today we will explore this topic.

According to Shari Roan, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer bitterness is, “…so deeply destructive — that some psychiatrists are urging it be identified as a mental illness under the name post-traumatic embitterment disorder.” Which could mean that anger and bitterness is a ‘mental disorder’? In Psychology Today Christopher Lane, PhD states in his response to ‘Bitterness the Next Mental Disorder’ that his stance on bitterness is, “Bitterness, which I define as a chronic and pervasive state of smoldering resentment, is one of the most destructive and toxic of human emotions. Bitterness is a kind of morbid character logical hostility toward someone, something or toward life itself, resulting from the consistent repression of anger, rage or resentment regarding how one really has or perceives to have been treated. Bitterness is a prolonged, resentful feeling of disempowered and devalued victimization. Embitterment, like resentment and hostility, results from the long-term mismanagement of annoyance, irritation, frustration, online anger, or rage.”

Let me pose a question. Have you ever met a happy, friendly, sweet, bitter person? Most bitter people take out their anger on everyone, people they love to people they don’t even know. Most believe that if you forgive you are releasing the offending individual from culpability. This is totally not true. When you forgive you are helping yourself! We have this image in our mind that by holding on to the anger and bitterness we are punishing the offender! NOT. No one images that the culprit, never thinks about the hurt or pain they caused you. They survive by forgetting. You, by holding on to the pain, are continuing to hurt yourself repeatedly!

Joe went to sessions regularly. He continually spoke about the damage a family friend had committed when he molested him. He stated that this was the reason he was so angry and lashed out at anyone who tried to get near him; his parents, friends and girlfriends. This bitterness cost him a lack of relationships, which made him feel lonely and caused him more anger. His counselor explained that this anger was caused by unforgiveness. He could not understand the concept. It was explained that by not forgiving he was not releasing the hate, therefore, repeatedly relived the horrific act. Each time he thought of the incident the rage returned, for 18 years he was hurting himself. The offender was in jail and his mind was on surviving in his circumstances and Joe was not on his mind. This concept stunned Joe, but it also helped him to release the bitterness and begin on a life changing journey.

By forgiving you are releasing the offender to God and allowing him to do what he needs to do. As long as you are fighting and seeking revenge God has no obligation to handle the matter. You can never hurt the offender the way they hurt you, therefore, you let it go and you let God. As you do this you will begin to experience empowerment, you will understand your value and no longer be a victim. Take control of your thoughts and do not allow them to occupy any more space in it.

You are capable of taking back control and you do so by making the decision to forgive! Remember you are never saying the pain caused is OK; you are saying I will NOT allow this pain control me anymore. This is something that only you can do, and it’s the key to true happiness!

To Your Success,

Nilda Perez

Ms Nilda Perez's Official Site » Mindset

Does Forgiving Mean Hurting Me Was OK?